Unique Malware Issues with Microsoft Windows

And too stupid or dishonest to report Microsoft Windows as the defective disaster that it is. If it were any other type of product it would have banned from every country in the world long ago. The BBC reports the latest Windows Conficker worm outbreak in typical “oh no big deal” fashion, does not identify this as a Windows worm until several paragraphs into the article, quotes industry security vendors as though they were actually worth listening to and not useless weasels, and then blames end users:

The worm is spreading through low security networks, memory sticks, and PCs without current security updates…

“”Microsoft did a good job of updating people’s home computers, but the virus continues to infect business who have ignored the patch update…

“”Of course, the real problem is that people haven’t patched their software,” he added.

Please excuse me while I go kick something. Of COURSE it’s the users’ fault. They’re still using this most expensive piece of defective crapware in the entire solar system. But its incurable defects are not their fault. (We need to give up the notion that such computer users can be rescued by Linux– we don’t WANT them using Linux. “It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are ingenious”.)

It’s WINDOWS Malware, NOT Computer Malware

The US and British military are getting clobbered by WINDOWS malware. Not computer malware- WINDOWS malware. Dear journalists, do please take note of this. It is a fact. It is a fact that matters. I know you hate facts and research, so here it is on a platter. You’re welcome. Even Wired, which should know better, delivered this piece of prime suckage:

The Defense Department’s geeks are spooked by a rapidly spreading worm crawling across their networks. So they’ve suspended the use of so-called thumb drives, CDs, flash media cards, and all other removable data storage devices from their nets, to try to keep the worm from multiplying any further”

Not once does this article say “Windows” or “Microsoft”. We had great fun with the Royal Navy putting Windows on submarines mere weeks ago. But it’s not funny anymore:

The Ministry of Defence confirmed today that it has suffered virus infections which have shut down “a small number” of MoD systems, most notably including admin networks aboard Royal Navy warships.”

Of course they downplay it, oh no worries, nothing important, run along now. After all, the nuclear warheads are current with SP4, or something equally idiotic. And once again nobody utters the forbidden word “Windows.”

Fighter Planes Grounded By Unimportant, Meaningless Infestation

This one is a real knee-slapper:

French fighter planes were unable to take off after military computers were infected by a computer virus…The aircraft were unable to download their flight plans after databases were infected by a Microsoft virus they had already been warned about several months beforehand.”

And once again the problem is minimized: “It affected exchanges of information but no information was lost. It was a security problem we had already simulated.” At the least the reporter was bold enough to say “Microsoft” and “Windows.” But sadly, once again, the end users were blamed.

Microsoft Saddles Up the Posse!

I saved the best story for last. I am NOT making this up! Microsoft itself, the richest software company ever, famous for having a cash hoard of tens of billions of dollars, famous for spending billions of dollars developing Windows and yet still can’t code its way out of a soggy tissue, is offering a reward:

Microsoft Rounds Up Posse to Nab Conficker

“In a worldwide effort to bring down what experts warn may be the worst malware now facing the Internet, big names from the computer industry, academia and law enforcement are teaming up to go after the Conficker worm….Microsoft is coordinating an effort to cut the worm off at its head — offering a $250,000 reward for information resulting in the arrest and conviction of those responsible for launching Conficker on the Internet.”

You must read this article because it is straight out of Bizarro World News. It goes on to describe this ace worldwide confederacy of pros leaping into action to fight this worm: security vendors, Homeland Security, ICANN, Verisign, and universities. Here’s the punchline:

“Conficker uses Windows’ AutoRun feature — the one that automatically opens and plays CD-Roms or movie DVDs when these are loaded into a computer.

AutoRun “makes the user experience very nice, but disabling AutoRun is a pain in the neck,” Nazario said.”

A pain in the neck? Did I read that correctly? A PAIN IN THE NECK??

Wow. I can’t decide if I want to yell cuss words, or sit down and weep. I guess that makes Conficker “a bit of a bother.” I guess if they actually do track down and punish the author of Conficker, the eleventeen-hundred thousand other Windows worms, Windows Trojan Horses, Windows viruses, and other Windows malware will all vanish.

Nobody Blames Microsoft

How much of a rocket scientist does it take to figure out “Hey, if I don’t use this piece of crap operating system anymore, I won’t have these problems! Hey, it might even be worth suing the vendor for siccing this incredible piece of dung on the world, costing tens of billions of dollars of damage, and endangering public safety!”

But no. After watching this exact same scenario play itself out hundreds of times in the past 13 years, it is impossible to avoid these conclusions:

  • The press are morons
  • The military are morons
  • The software security industry is one giant grub-like parasite with a vested interest in being ineffective
  • Microsoft’s customers are morons
  • Most everyone is corrupt, and for dirt-cheap

The one ray of hope is that maybe, just maybe, the thousands of Windows worms will go to war with each other and kill every Windows machine on earth. Though that would be a short-lived cure, because even after a Windows holocaust the first thing the survivors are going to do is get up, dust themselves off, and see if rebooting will bring their systems back up.

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