By Paul Ferris
Editor, Linux Today
You would hope that the clue meter would be functioning up there
in Redmond anytime soon, but no. You’d think that they
would just stop the Fear,
Uncertainty, and Doubt (FUD) marketing tactics.
Not just because FUD is unethical. After all, what’s
unprofitable about the truth?
Not just because they’re bad for Microsoft‘s long-term reputation.
Microsoft has no reputation to lose. Compare passing botched video
tape evidence before a federal judge in light of a few
misconceptions about computer operating systems and disk drive
partition tables. Heck, the
latest advice on how to remove Linux is merely a trip in a
squad car in comparison to that…
No, those are good enough reasons, but the main reason for
Microsoft to stop using these marketing tactics is simple: FUD
isn’t working..
I couldn’t help but laugh when I read the article. It’s bad
enough as technical advice, but even worse, I couldn’t help but
wonder why they made it so difficult. Installing any Microsoft
operating system over Linux and vise versa is in reality much
simpler than the instructions lead you to believe.
Clueless Mode Equals One
I started thinking about it, though. I thought “Let me just go
with the flow. What do I know about operating
systems?” I started believing that these wizards at Microsoft were
just being helpful, so maybe I should just try it.
So I was just sitting here thinking about this advice and how I
was going to have give up Linux, a stable, secure, fast,
trustworthy operating system and install Windows 2000 with the help
of my good ole’ buddies in Redmond, and then along comes this
fine article that
explains how I can go back to Linux!.
I thought “Heck, this is getting confusing!”. What was I
supposed to do then?
And it hit me like a ton of bricks, the answer is
obvious.
I needed to de-install both operating
systems!
What with Linux not being compatible with Windows 2000 and
things, I could make better use of my computer as a high-tech
paperweight if I just gave it all up and resorted to looking at an
error message that said “Could not load ROM Basic”.
At least now, I won’t have to worry about Y2K issues. If it’s
already crashed like this, it’s certainly not going anywhere on
midnight of Jan 1, 1900, er 2000. No, this way it’s as safe as it’s
ever going to get.
So, here are the simple instructions for un-installing Linux and
Windows 2000. These instructions assume that you already have
Linux. If you don’t have Linux installed on your computer then you
need to go out and buy Linux, for example RedHat, Caldera, Suse, TurboLinux, Corel — you know, one of those fragmented Linux
operating systems — and follow the simple set of instructions
already mentioned above for un-installing Windows and installing
Linux.
The instructions I’m about to give you aren’t compatible with
instructions that assume you are only running Windows. That’s why
you need to go through all this work before you remove everything.
I know some of you smart technical people are going to point out
that you can easily un-install Windows using strictly Microsoft
commands, but those commands aren’t compatible with my
instructions, so you need to install Linux
first.
Now, after you have a running copy of Linux — what is that —
Oh.
Disclaimer Mode On
These instructions are meant as perverse humor. Paul Ferris is
one sarcastic guy. If you haven’t figured that out by now, you need
to understand that he’s clearly joking. Kids, don’t try
this at home — even at work. These instructions
can seriously hork up a running copy of Linux,
Windows 2000 or any other operating system loaded on a personal
computer. They are intended here to add an ounce, however small, of
realism to this article. Keep hands and feet away. Do not use in
any kind of direct, indirect, artificial or imagined sunlight.
Running electrical appliances is not recommended in the tub or
shower.
You get the picture, I’m only joking. DO NOT TRY THIS — IT’S A
JOKE ALREADY…
Disclaimer Mode Off
OK, start by opening a terminal window on your running Linux box
and use the “su” (Switch User, or Super User) command so that you
are the root user for your machine.
# su
password:[type your root password here]
Delete all of your partitions on your hard drive using the
“fdisk” (Fubar Disk) command. Here is an example sequence:
# fdisk /dev/null
# fdisk
Using /dev/null as default device!
The number of cylinders for this disk is set to 1650.
There is nothing wrong with that, but this is larger than 1024,
and could in certain setups cause problems with:
1) software that runs at boot time (e.g., LILO)
2) booting and partitioning software from other OSs
(e.g., DOS FDISK, OS/2 FDISK)
Command (m for help):
Disk /dev/null: 255 heads, 63 sectors, 1650 cylinders
Units = cylinders of 16065 * 512 bytes
Device Boot Start End Blocks Id System
/dev/hda1 1 255 2048256 b Loose2000 PorkFS
/dev/hda2 256 319 514080 83 Linux
/dev/hda3 320 450 1052257+ 83 Linux
/dev/hda4 451 1650 9639000 5 Extended
/dev/hda5 451 516 530113+ 82 Linux swap
/dev/hda6 517 712 1574338+ 83 Linux
/dev/hda7 713 974 2104483+ 83 Linux
/dev/hda8 975 1650 5429938+ 83 Linux
Command (m for help):d 8
Command (m for help):d 7
Command (m for help):d 6
Command (m for help):d 5
Command (m for help):d 4
Command (m for help):d 3
Command (m for help):d 2
Command (m for help):d 1
Now hit the reset key and you’ll find that your computer will
simply refuse to do anything. It’s a high-tech paperweight — but
you’ll immediately realize the following benefits:
0) It’s fully Y2K compliant!
1) You won’t have to worry about software
compatibility issues. Will that copy of Linux WordPerfect run on
Windows 2000? Who cares, open another beer!
2) No one will ever convince you to switch
operating systems again! Just explain to them that you’ve chosen
the road to simplicity.
3) You can now use those tray-based CD/ROM
drives as cup-holders! I recommend that you take a jig-saw and make
the hole a bit bigger to hold the mug of your choice. Get a good
coffee mug that’s tapered at the top so it will sit snuggly and not
fall through or worse, tilt and spill as the handle catches on the
edges of the hole.
Long Term Benefits and Suggestions
After a few months, I can see some seriously good benefits from
all of this. Likely your stress level is going to be greatly
reduced from not having to make complex decisions and from reduced
complexity in your computing life. Imagine the following phone
conversation with your boss:
BOSS:”Did you get that e-mail that I sent
you?”
You:”No, I’m not using Windows right now, so I won’t be able
to see it.”
BOSS: “Well, then get your email under Linux and
read it!”
You: “No, I’m not using Linux either.”
BOSS: “What?!? What are you using
then?”
You: “I refuse to use anything, because nothing is
compatible with anything and none of it is Y2K
compliant…”
BOSS: “Dammit, it’s February 12, 2006! Why are you
always yammering on about Y2K compatibility issues? It’s been 6
years now since I asked for that memo — You’re
FIRED!
You: “Good, now I can get back to watching this Browns game
that you interrupted… [fwish*]”
*fwish — The sound of a beer opening
Some Other Recommended Modifications
This brings to light some other modifications that likely you
will want to make to your computer.
0) Sell the monitor and buy an equivalent sized
TV set. I recommend a similar size, as it will look the most
natural. Paint the outer shell of the TV to match your old monitor
to lessen suspicion.
1) Remove the contents of the PC, and replace
it with the game console of your choice. You may need to do some
fitting with a jig saw (purchased for benefit 3 above) to get the
full usability of the game console since they usually have
top-loading CD-ROM openings. You can skip this step if you just
want to play the same game over and over.
2) Replace the mouse with the TV remote
control, and the keyboard with the game console controls. Most
people, even in a work setting, will likely be hard pressed to
really tell the difference. If they do notice you can tell them
that it’s a new virtual reality keyboard and that what appears to
be a copy of Metal Gear Solid is really the new interface to
Linux/Windows 2004 that you’re beta-testing for IS.
3) A good printer/fax/copier/scanner
replacement is a waffle-iron. Likely a lot more dependable to boot,
and the added benefits of the toner being bio-degradable make it a
no-brainer.
Tune In, Turn Off, Drop Out, Reboot
OK, that’s a bit extreme, but it illustrates an important point.
Microsoft is clearly in some kind of panic mode with these kind of
stupid instructions being up on their web site. How many tech
people that have actually installed Linux along side of Windows
2000, NT, or Windows 95/98 will need instructions like this, or
even more to the point, will ever be motivated to use them? The
obvious answer: None.
That leaves you with who these instructions are for:
Pointy-Haired Bosses. No technical person in their right mind is
really going to need these instructions from Microsoft or even my
instructions for that matter. It’s all part of a complex, clue-less
FUD dance that is now getting to be so comical it’s beyond
prediction.
I do have one prediction about their future FUD, however — It’s
going to be even funnier than this if the trend continues.