Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology

“”We would like to extend our deepest apologies to each and
every one of you,” announced CEO Eric Schmidt, speaking from the
company’s Googleplex headquarters. “Clearly there have been some
privacy concerns as of late, and judging by some of the search
terms we’ve seen, along with the tens of thousands of personal
e-mail exchanges and Google Chat conversations we’ve carefully
examined, it looks as though it might be a while before we regain
your trust.

“Added Schmidt, “Whether you’re Michael Paulson who lives at
3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica
Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust
issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry
we are.”

“Schmidt’s apology appeared suddenly at 9 a.m. Monday on
Google’s homepage, Chrome browser, and YouTube, as well as on every
single Android-enabled cell phone, and sought to reassure Americans
that the company would take all necessary steps to keep
confidential information, from Social Security numbers to Gonorrhea
test results, absolutely safe.”

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