[ The opinions expressed by authors on Linux Today are their
own. They speak only for themselves and not for Linux Today. -lt ed
] By Linux Today writer
Paul Ferris
Warning: Rant Mode Equals One is meant to be entertainment, and as such
is not to be taken seriously. If you are easily offended by strong
language, violence, ranting or unabridged command line syntax, Paul
suggests that you hit the “back” button on your browser now, before
it’s too late.
It had been fairly quiet on the Linux front. It was a Friday,
the last day of the week as I sauntered into the local Chip-head
pub, a place near work simply called “Beer && Bytes”.
Hackers, Linux users and systems administrators all hang out there
and shoot the breeze. The TV is usually running SCI-FI or Monty
Python, as that’s the closest thing to entertainment for die-hard
computing professionals.
The place has been around for quite a while, and most of the
folks that come and go are regulars. So it was a surprise when one
of my old acquaintances ambled into the joint, bellied up to the
bar and ordered a Latte. It may be a bar, and they actually do
serve beer to people, but almost all of the regulars order
cafeinated drinks of some kind.
If someone actually does order a beer, everyone slowly moves
away from them. There’s some kind of unwritten code that if you
need an alcoholic drink, you can go somewhere else and drink with
people that run Windows 95.
At first I didn’t recognize him, but the Latte was a special
order – chocolate sprinkles. There was only one person in the world
I knew that ordered a Latte like that. I looked closely, and noted
the faded Pink Floyd tee shirt still proudly worn under his cleanly
pressed office garb.
“Slots Globnick!”, I shouted, sliding up the worn bar beside
him, careful not to spill anything.
Slots did a double take, smiled, and we shook hands.
“It’s been a long, long time Paul! What-cha been up to?” I noted
that Slots still used the same tie-tack, an Intel 386 chip,
embedded in a square of scratched, yellowed plastic. It was holding
down a cleanly pressed Dilbert Tie. Dilbert was pinned squarely in
the nose by the tack.
We spent a few minutes catching up on things. Slots and I go
back always. He had to describe all the upgrades and things that he
had been doing to his computer. It was a short while, and the
inevitable subject of operating systems came up.
“Which O/S are you running?” he asked inquisitively.
I smiled. “Well, the most powerful one of course!” I
replied.
Slots grinned, which wasn’t a pretty site. He had been slurping
some of the latte, and the chocolate sprinkles were kind of
sticking to his upper lip. “Ah, Windows NT!” he nodded
assuredly.
I practically gagged on my coffee at that point. After much back
slapping, I managed to get out a clarification. “No.”, I coughed.
The bartender, Ratz, suddenly looked up at me like I’d been keeping
company with Microsoft employees or something.
Slots looked puzzled. “No? Surely not Windows 98?” He wiped some
of the sprinkles off. “Everyone knows that NT is more powerful than
98.” He said, matter of fact-ly.
“No, Linux.” I replied.
Now Slots looked more disturbed. “I always thought you were a
loyal American.” He said slowly. “Don’t tell me that you have
joined ranks with those pagan communistic free coders that are
stealing all of Bill Gates’ good ideas.”
It was at this point that I remembered that Slots wasn’t exactly
known for his brilliance. I clearly remembered seeing him replacing
a motherboard once, after attempting to install a sound card while
the computer was still running. He said at the time that the
instructions didn’t explicitly say he had to turn it off. Still, he
couldn’t be a lost cause, and anyway we could be friends even if we
didn’t agree on operating systems.
“Slots, don’t get me wrong here, but that’s not true. What makes
you say that using Linux is un-American?” I asked. “What besides
the misguided idea that it’s a rip-off of Windows. Linux is it’s
own animal, and it’s been completely coded from scratch, it’s well
known that if it’s a rip-off of anything, it’s Unix.” I explained.
“And Windows is definitely not Unix.”
At this point, I heard a distinct “Here Here!”. It came from a
couple of guys in the back that had been taking turns at an old
Pong game. I smiled and nodded in their direction.
Slots peered about, as if suddenly realizing that he wasn’t in
the best of company. He continued anyway. “Well,” he explained,
“this Linux thing is another non-standard operating system. That’s
bad for America.”
At this point I had to calm one of the patrons, and convince him
that Slots was simply misguided. The patron, who goes by the name
of Tiny, was a regular guy. Regular, in the sense that he’s about 6
foot 5, muscular as all hell, and you don’t say stupid stuff like
that around him. Mainly because he has a tattoo on his chest with
the words “Born to Code Free” in large blood red letters. The words
have a knife through them, and the URL for the free software
foundation in perfect black letters under that. Tiny’s girlfriend
digs the tattoo, and no one dares make fun of him. Well, almost no
one, there was this guy back in 97 but he hasn’t been back since he
got out of the hospital.
I turned back to Slots and asked him why he thought Linux was
non-standard.
“Well, it’s just like those other non-standard platforms,
Macintosh and OS/2. If everyone would just start using the same
software and operating system, we could all just go down to the
local Software Shack and pick out programs like we were playing pin
the tail on the donkey.” He explained. “When people start making
these non-standard O/S’s, we all suffer. Vendors have to stock
different titles by different companies. Heck a few years ago, you
couldn’t even find a standard web browser. Now it’s easy to find
compatible software.”
I think it was starting to sink in, like nausea. “So, let me get
this straight…” I said to Slots, “You think that having a choice
of operating systems is a bad thing. For example, when I look for
software at a retail store, there should only be one platform
supported – Windows? I should go down to the local outfit, and
there will be like 3 spreadsheet programs for example, but only for
Microsoft operating systems?!? And if it’s not like that, it’s
un-American, or bad for America?”
I was incredulous, but Slots was nodding vigorously. He seemed
to think that I was getting the idea. “Except for that part about 3
different programs – it’s best when there’s only one, because I’ve
found that different programs store data files in non-Microsoft
Office format too often.” He didn’t notice the two guys in the back
were at this point struggling to hold down Tiny, which was no small
feat from what I could tell.
I turned back to Slots. “That’s bad?” I volunteered skeptically,
but Slots took it as a confirmation that his arguments were on rock
solid ground.
“Sure it’s bad. Microsoft software works best on Microsoft
platforms. Everyone knows that. Why, most people have a Microsoft
PC in their house today. I think the numbers are like 99%. It’s
only renegades such as yourself that foul it up for the rest of us.
Why just the other day I noticed that they were stocking more Mac
software at Better Buys. I almost accidentally bought a copy of tax
software for the Mac. It was only an accident that I was checking
to see if it ran on NT. I noticed then that it needed some other
non-standard system to run. Fortunately for me, I noticed it in
time, and found the right aisle. It’s a drain and a burden to the
American economy to have stores stock multiple copies of software
for different computer operating systems.”
I noted that at this point the two guys and Tiny had stopped,
and were listening in eerie silence. I figured that somewhere in
Slot’s brain, there had to be some kind of primal safety warning
going off, but when I looked back he continued, oblivious to all
around him.
“It’s hard for software companies to code for multiple
platforms. When Windows came along, they could fire all the coders
for non-standard platforms like OS/2 and the Mac, and just write
code once. Besides that, consumers get confused when they buy
software and it doesn’t run on their computer. When there is one
homogeneous system, things work best.”
First, I corrected him on the numbers, it was really like 90%.
He just said “Whatever.” and continued to slurp the latte. Then I
went after the broken logic he was pushing.
By now I could feel Tiny, Ratz and the two pong guys boring
holes in Slots.
“So, for example, it would be a good thing then, if when you
went buy a car, there were only a couple of models. That way parts
stores could just stock parts for one company. No competing brands
providing choice like Chevy and Ford? You just get the choice of
what’s available, like they do in communist countries?”, I asked.
“It sounds to me like what you are advocating is more communistic,
or totalitarian. It would be true that the auto dealers and parts
stores could stock far less in the way of parts and cars, and it
would be simpler, but it would be un competitive as well. Don’t you
see that?
Slots didn’t see. “No, you don’t understand software. You need
to listen to Bill Gates and some of the more brilliant minds that
work for him at Microsoft, they can explain this very clearly.
Software is different from all that. You can’t compare it to cars
or other common commodities.”
“Why?” I asked simply.
“Well, for one, if you write software, it takes very little
money to reproduce it. Every car or car part made takes a lot of
work.” Slots paused and slurped some more latte. “And besides that,
when companies compete on software at the O/S level, that software
doesn’t work on different systems, forcing people to buy versions
two or three times because they can’t load the same program on
different computers. If there was just one architecture, made by
one company, then software coding houses could simply code for one
platform, and they save money.”
“Like they do for Windows NT, CE, 98, and soon 64 bit Windows?”
I asked sarcastically.
“Exactly!” Slots returned, totally missing my point. “You see,
it’s best when there is a standard API, even if it’s only owned by
one company.”
I was not seeing his point, in a rather pointed way. “It sounds
to me that if what you said about writing software is true, then
there would be more room for competition, not less.” But Slots
didn’t seem to hear me.
“So you don’t need a lot of people writing different programs,
you just need one company writing good, standard software.” He
continued.
“Like Word for example, which a lot of people are forced into
upgrading because the file formats change?” I volunteered.
“Exactly. It’s great when Microsoft makes new features available
to their customers. I myself was happy to find some of the features
from crappy old Netscape in the latest version of Internet
Explorer.” He explained.
I noted that now Ratz had joined the two guys and they were now
all involved in the task holding down Tiny, but Slots was still
oblivious. But I still wasn’t going to discount him as totally
hopeless. “Without an open market,” I said, “that one company is
pretty much free to make crappy products and charge what they want.
There is no competition, and true innovations pretty much die.”
“But Microsoft has our best interests at heart,” Slots
pontificated “if people would stop bashing Bill Gates for being
rich, and instead concentrate on real problems, like software
piracy, things would be even better than they are today.” Slots
then looked at his watch and jumped up. “Oh, look-it the time, I
gotta run down to the Software Shack. I gotta get the upgrade
service pack for Windows 98. It’s got a really cool feature that
you should see! Now the wife and I can share an Internet connection
through a network!” He downed the rest of his Latte, and headed for
the door.
Now at this point, there are a few CRC errors when it comes to
my recall of the situation. Near as I remember, that last comment
was the bit that exceeded the tolerance quota for Tiny, the two
pong dudes, and surprisingly, even Ratz. Ratz is usually quite
level headed about these things. There was some commotion, and
suddenly Tiny and the rest of them had Slots up against the Pong
machine.
Tiny now appeared to be in the execution phase of what could
loosely be describe as an anger management project. He had
retrieved one of the artifacts hanging on the wall of the Beer
&& Bytes and was holding it in a most disturbing way for
Slots. Near as I could tell, it was one of the 10 megabyte
Winchester drives that Ratz had as a memento from his old 8088
computing days.
In case you’ve never seen one of these drives, they are full
height, 5 1/4 devices that weigh somewhere between 10 and 15
pounds. The data transfer rate on them is usually quite slow, and
some people claim that they can even hear the individual bits
coming off of the platters as they are accessed. Even so, Tiny was
about to up the transfer rate to over 10 megabytes per second, near
as I could tell. The transfer was to take place from his hand into
Slot’s mouth.
Tiny, who rarely speaks, was giving Slots an education about
Linux, all the while I was looking on in shock.
“First, a STANDARD is something that a group of people agree
upon. It shouldn’t be something that is forced on people like
crappy Windows APIs! Unix has standards, and Windows may appear to
have standards, but I didn’t vote for em’ that’s for sure.” As he
says this for emphasis on the important points, he waves the drive
at Slots.
“Second, I LIKE choices. Choices allow me to have one kind of
computer interface and you to have a different one. I see no reason
why I should have to have some stupid brain-dead, panty-waist
interface if I’ve got the ability to use something else, see?”
Oddly, unlike before, Slots seemed to see this clearly. “And I
ain’t no Commie, that’s for sure. I fought in the military, and I
did it for the freedom of this country. I’d hope I didn’t save some
GUI clicking loser like yourself or your buddy Gates, only to have
em try and remove my freedom and force me to use a junk operating
system – Got it?”
Slots swallowed and nodded some more.
“Third, I’ve been sharing my Internet connection at home with
multiple computers for years – and I haven’t needed to use some
stupid patch to a half-ass system like Windows to do it.”
Slots appears to be nodding his head now in the most vigorous
manner I’ve ever seen.
“And finally, you can come and try to take away my Linux, if you
want. Any time for that matter, is fine.” His face was really,
really close to Slot’s face at that point. “But you will have to
take it and my command line from my cold, dead hands, see?”
Out of all of the points that Tiny was trying to make, Slots
seemed to see that one the clearest.
At that moment there was a break in the action. I tried to calm
Tiny as much as possible. I pointed out to him that the disk drive
was an antique. Slots looked at me and back at Tiny. He smiled
meekly.
Tiny looked over the antique. “I think we can find nicer one
….” He says. It was kind of dusty.
I pointed out to him that there was a tiny Linux distribution on
it, complete with XT hard drive support.
There was a passing glimmer of hope in Slot’s eyes at that
moment. “It’s backed up, near as I remember….” Ratz
volunteered.
Finally, I pointed out that besides being against the law to
harm other people, and in full violation of the first law of
Robotics ( I was grasping at straws here, I know ), it’s also bad
sport to harm dumb animals.
That seemed to do it, Tiny put down Slots and the drive, and
Slots left in a rather timely fashion for someone just headed down
the road to get a software upgrade.
When I came back the next day, I noticed that some of the
heavier antiques had disappeared from the walls of the Beer
&& Bytes. Also, the menu had changed. Beer had been removed
from the selection altogether.
I asked Ratz why he did that. Sarcasticly he replied, “I’m doing
the best thing for my patrons, by removing choice. Now I only need
to stock cafeinated products. That’s what everyone wants anyway.
What will it be Paul?”
“I’ll have a Fosters then.” I said.
Ratz smiled and promptly served it.
Disclaimer(s)
1) Rant Mode Equals One (RMEO) is meant to be a regular column
by Paul Ferris, your mileage may vary.
2) Please do not read RMEO in Direct, Indirect, Artificial,
Imagined, or Virtual sunlight.
3) RMEO format and delivery methods are not the best forms of
Linux Advocacy for the non-Linux initiated. Do
not attempt to sway non-Linux users over
to the Linux side of the fence like this. Actually, RMEO probably
represents the least desirable method of Linux advocacy available.
Use it as a template on what not to do,
to advocate Linux.
4) Alternatively, use it annoy people who you know will never
switch over to Linux because they are stupid.
5) Ignore that last disclaimer item, Paul is insane.
6) My apologies to Mike Royko, who so recently passed on. For
those who have never heard of him, or the inspiration for “Slots”,
he is dearly missed by millions of readers.
7) Disclaimers are stupid, and this one is no exception to that
rule.
8) Except for (6) – Mike was really a great guy.